Prologue
As an individual, in the last three years I have been through a lot. I fell in love, an almost three year relationship under my belt, but to my surprise it turned out to be a story full of lies. When it finally ended, I fell into a state of depression, one that I am still battling at the moment, and I wanted nothing more than to fix myself. This twitterive assignment re-opened a lot of wounds from my past, but now that I look back on them, I realize why I am the person I am now.
On this page you will find my place, one that I struggled to find, but it is not physical, but mental. It was inspired by the everyday thoughts that run through my head because of my past. You will begin to understand my state of mind, and follow my life as I focus on overcoming my thoughts of depression and heartbreak, and find a new found love for something else, God.
So take a jump inside my head, sit back, and enjoy my story
On this page you will find my place, one that I struggled to find, but it is not physical, but mental. It was inspired by the everyday thoughts that run through my head because of my past. You will begin to understand my state of mind, and follow my life as I focus on overcoming my thoughts of depression and heartbreak, and find a new found love for something else, God.
So take a jump inside my head, sit back, and enjoy my story
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Once Upon A Time,
There was a girl, still a senior in high school, hoping to get accepted into her top pick of colleges. She had no interest in finding a boyfriend before leaving school; to her, the boys in town were overrated. However, one day that changed when her best friend introduced her to Kyle; a tall and slim track runner with a heart of gold. He may have been almost a year younger than her, but there was something about him that she could not take her mind off of. Starting on February 20, 2009, the two of them began to date, and eventually their relationship grew into love. They spent countless hours with each other, their conversations never getting old. Each month they exchanged letters on the 20th, a tradition that continued throughout the entirety of their relationship. With three years invested, they had big plans to move in together, and a promise ring was placed on her finger. Like all relationships, they had their occasional problems, especially when she went to college, leaving him alone, still stuck in their small town.
She never saw it coming, the involvement with other girls, the lies, the second life. He became someone she didn't know in the blink of an eye. No matter how much hurt Kyle put her through, she always ran back. He gave insincere apologies, but she was so love struck that they seemed so real. Eventually, she lost contact with the world, no friends, no family, no life besides him. She wasn't the happy girl that once laughed and smiled about everything, he changed her. After three years, she finally had enough, and got the strength to leave. But, she didn't leave without bringing her scars with her. She never felt so alone, depression taking over her body, and normal activities becoming hard to accomplish. That girl will never be the same, she isn't now and most likely will always carry that part of her life with her. I know this because that girl, is me.
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She never saw it coming, the involvement with other girls, the lies, the second life. He became someone she didn't know in the blink of an eye. No matter how much hurt Kyle put her through, she always ran back. He gave insincere apologies, but she was so love struck that they seemed so real. Eventually, she lost contact with the world, no friends, no family, no life besides him. She wasn't the happy girl that once laughed and smiled about everything, he changed her. After three years, she finally had enough, and got the strength to leave. But, she didn't leave without bringing her scars with her. She never felt so alone, depression taking over her body, and normal activities becoming hard to accomplish. That girl will never be the same, she isn't now and most likely will always carry that part of her life with her. I know this because that girl, is me.
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Now all that is left...Is a box full of broken memories...
Proshe takes care of me . always makes me laugh . he loves kids . he knows everything about me . we have the same taste in music . he always listens to my problems . he always surprises me . he loves me unconditionally . he is my best friend . he makes me feel beautiful.
Conshe has a tendency to be immature . he talks down to me. my parents dislike how he treats me . he is starting not get along with my friends . he shows interest in other girls . he told someone he was single when he clearly wasn't . he expects me to only have time for him. he lives a second online lifestyle.
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Kyle is,caring . comical . kind . insincere. thoughtful. handsome . judgmental . understanding . rebellious . irresponsible . breathtaking . ungrateful . loving . cheerful. determined . bipolar . forgiving . dishonest. enthusiastic . self-centered. sensitive. deceiving. smart. untrustworthy. independent . immature . optimistic .
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Recipe For Heartbreak:3 years of commitment
3 years of being head over heals in love 1 1/2 years of un-faithfullness from a boy you love 1 1/2 years of being talked down to 2 disagreeing parents A handful of friends who just don't understand A taste of hidden lies and secrets A sprinkle of slutty girls 1 case of living a double life "and in the end ... it all fell apart"
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Dear Whoever exits,You have crushed me, you have taken away the best thing in my life and left me here, stranded, no one to console me. Everyone has been pushed away, friends and family, they must be in hiding, because no one has offered to help. How could you turn someone I once knew so well in such a decieteful monster. We had a plan, a plan to go far, and now after three years, that is being thrown into a trashcan. I do not believe in you, all you have done is cause me pain, suffering, heartbreak. You are supposed to help me, oh God almighty, what is so brilliant about your ways? Just take me away from here, I don't want to be here, and apparently no one else wants me to be either. I give up on this shitty life.
Insincerely,
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If you are up there,Why did you sentence me to such a life? If you are up there controlling what goes on down here, why are you making things so difficult on me? What did I do to deserve this, to go through these thoughts? How am I supposed to live my life day to day if I dont even have the strength to leave this bed? You did this to me, you made me miserable. You changed Kyle which then changed me, and now... I hate myself. I want nothing to do with this life, nothing to do with myself, and nothing to do with you, the "God" who is supposed to shed his light down on me. Where is that light? Did you forget to turn it on lately? Because im stuck here in the darkness of this depression, crying until I have no tears left, just looking for someone to lean on. Aren't you supposed to be that person? My Heavenly father? In all honesty right now, I hate you. All I am asking for is some help, give me a life worth living. It is not much to ask.
Insincerely,
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Symptoms and the effect of DepressionDifficulty concentrating
"Why is 1 hour of homework taking over three hours?" Decreased energy "Forget going to the gym, you are lucky if I make it to class." Feelings of worthlessness "If he didn't love me enough then no one will, I am nothing, and it will always be that way." Feelings of hopelessness "Things are never going to get better, I am going to continue to be a wreck. And as of now, I guess I better get used to it." Insomnia or excessive sleeping "Someday's i'm nocturnal, thinking non-stop, and other days classes are spent sleeping through the day in my bed." Irritability "Don't talk to me, don't look at me, touch me and that's the end of it!" Loss of interest in activities once pleasurable "I can't sing, I can't dance, laughing is out of the question. Maybe another day, but today it just isn't happening." Overeating or appetite loss "I have gone months eating one meal per day, if i'm lucky. Someday's its nothing at all." Persistent aches or pains "Someone has taken a knife and decided to dig it deep into my brain. Now, he forgot to take it out." Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings "How will I get my work done? Will I make friends? Will I always feel lonely? Will someone be able to help me?" Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts "Alcohol and Tylenol, that will do the trick. Keep them in handy." |
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Ashley Marie, I know that things have been a little rough in the past year or so with our relationship, but know that it has not stopped us from loving you. As are daughter we vow to accept you for who you are and for the decisions that you have made, even the ones that are not beneficial to your lifestyle. You are a strong young lady, and you can conquer so much more than you believe. The hard times will go away, we promise. Things always get worse before they get better, you just need to gain the confidence to try. Step out of the dark and into the light, make a difference in the person that you are now. You deserve the best, and someday you will find that. Someone will come along and sweep you off your feet, and he will fill those holes in your heart that are lingering now. But do not rush it, and do not dwell on your past, for that will only make moving on harder. Keep your head held high and a smile on your face sunshine, you never know what tomorrow will bring towards your direction.
Love Always,
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And then, things began to changeMel: Ash! Ash! Wake up, its almost 7pm. I will not allow you to be a lazy bum all day. You have plans tonight!
Me: hmpphhhhhhhhhhhh. Mel please just leave me be, I don't want to do a thing, I don't want to see anyone. Unless I am seeing them in dreams. Mel: You have no choice, as a matter of fact, there are clothes on your desk, get dressed, now! 8pm sharp you are coming to Rowan Christian Fellowship with me. No ifs, ands, or butts. Me: NO! NO WAY! You know the shit god, or whoever he may be has put me through, I will not worship someone who does not exist. and I will NOT have others push that on me. Mel: Well, like i said. NO CHOICE! It will be good for you, give it a chance. I will get you ice cream after. Huh? What do you say now? yes? ok! Me: Well, because I know you will never give up. Ill be ready in a few. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear God, I can't believe I am saying this, but I saw a glimpse of you tonight. And I was relieved. I have met the greatest group of people, so welcoming, and they never judged. I told them I was not walking with you today, but they were open to showing me that there was so much more to see than the life I was living now. Although I do not agree with the things that you have put me through lately, I am willing to give this a try. As you must have hear, we worshiped tonight, well they worshiped tonight. And for some reason I got chills, it was beautiful. They have so much love for you, and I hope to someday share the same happiness that they already have.
Talk to you soon,
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Once Upon A Time,
There was a girl, she was on her third year of college, and to be honest she had no idea where she was headed. She had sunk to a low point in her life, and lost all motivation to better herself. Just when she thought the world was over and she had no one to turn to, a group of crazy christian's showed up into her life. They welcomed her not only for the person that she was, but for the person that she may turn into in the future. No judgement's, just love, unconditional love. They laughed together, cried together, sang together, and of course thanked god together. Her Monday nights were spent at women's bible study, while Wednesdays she joined what was now her "Second Family" for their general gatherings. In the beginning, this girl had no idea who God was, or what he had planned, but she did not want to find out. As time went on, her life began to change, and she began to keep god at her side. To this day she still does not know how it happened, but she gave herself away. Not to a boy that would break her heart, but to the only man in her life that she learned to trust; the Lord himself. I know this, because that girl ... is me.
"Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs God gave me you for the days of doubt And for when I think I lost my way There are no words here left to say, it’s true God gave me you"
My Awesome Creator, I want to start by saying that you are great, I bet you thought you would never hear those words come out of my mouth! But that is the truth. I cant believe just a few months ago I had no concept of how powerful your love is, and now, I don't know what I would do without that in my life. You have helped me conquer the roughest of times, and although I am still struggling with this depression and my overwhelming thoughts, I am confident that I will get through it, because you Lord are by my side. I hope to someday have an impact on those who don't believe just like my second family has had on me. I just want to thank you for your undying non-judgemental love, and I cannot wait to see what you have in store for me. Thank you for helping me realize that I do not need a boy to help fill the empty spots in my heart, because you are the only one who can do such a thing.
Love your biggest fan,
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To My Biggest Fan, It is so nice to hear from you, and although I cannot respond to you, if I could, this is what I would say. I created you to serve your life for me, to find happiness in the simpleist of moments, and to lean on me when you are in need of support. You were placed on earth for a reason, so live your life to the fullest, and always keep me at your side. Talk to me even when you don't know the correct words to say, and love me like you have never loved anyone else. I will help you, I will point you in the right direction, and I will never let you fall. Times will get hard, I cannot promise that they won't, but what I can promise, is that I will always be there. I will pick up those pieces that have broke off in your journey's, and place them back together. You are my daughter, I am your father, and I will never let you down.
My love is forever,
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"‘Cause I don’t know how the story ends, but I’ll be alright ‘cause you wrote it. I don’t know where the highway bends, but I’m doing just fine ‘Cause you’re in control Even when I don’t know where my life’s gonna go. You’re keeping me guessing"
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Tweets that inspired me:
- Finding out your ex of three years is already dating someone after a month of being apart. #fml #scumbagstatus
- The key to fixing a broken heart, baking until you can't bake anymore#twitterive
- What felt good, turned into something so wrong. #twitterive
- Take me far away before I melt into the ground, and my words get used against me
- God grant me the serenity to just get through this off day! #twitterive
- That moment you realize that you are not over it #twitterive
- We love because he first loved us - 1 John 4:19 #godislove#twitterive
- When times get tough, keep a smile on your face. #dontlookback
- Just need someone to show me I'm worth it #issues
- I love you #LiesPeopleAlwaysTell
- Should be reading for class, instead i'm reading the bible#christianproblems #twitterive
- I hate that I realized what tomorrows date is, because now it's all i'm thinking about #scumbag #brokenhearted
- Gods love is the only love I need today. #nuffsaid #solost
- Is it Friday yet? I can't wait to be with some crazy christians #Jcru#godislove #twitterive
- That unexpected "i miss you" on the day you want to hear it the least...
- You were kicked out of my life for a reason, please do not try to come back in now #sorrynotsorry
- The one thing I look forward to during the week. RCF <3 #godislove#twitterive
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- The key to fixing a broken heart, baking until you can't bake anymore#twitterive
- What felt good, turned into something so wrong. #twitterive
- Take me far away before I melt into the ground, and my words get used against me
- God grant me the serenity to just get through this off day! #twitterive
- That moment you realize that you are not over it #twitterive
- We love because he first loved us - 1 John 4:19 #godislove#twitterive
- When times get tough, keep a smile on your face. #dontlookback
- Just need someone to show me I'm worth it #issues
- I love you #LiesPeopleAlwaysTell
- Should be reading for class, instead i'm reading the bible#christianproblems #twitterive
- I hate that I realized what tomorrows date is, because now it's all i'm thinking about #scumbag #brokenhearted
- Gods love is the only love I need today. #nuffsaid #solost
- Is it Friday yet? I can't wait to be with some crazy christians #Jcru#godislove #twitterive
- That unexpected "i miss you" on the day you want to hear it the least...
- You were kicked out of my life for a reason, please do not try to come back in now #sorrynotsorry
- The one thing I look forward to during the week. RCF <3 #godislove#twitterive
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